When left to my own devices, I usually can be quite entertaining. Not on purpose, usually on accident. But, when Derick has to go out of town…especially when he has work trips that are 14+ days, you can be sure that I have a full list of dumb, funny stuff I have done while he his gone. So for your reading enjoyment I bring you the “Top 10 Ways you can tell your Husband is out of Town.”
1 / It’s 11:30 at night and you are up watching Steel Magnolia’s bawling your eyes out. Now, I should note that I am typically a “crier” but sometimes those old movies get me going and I get hysterical. When Derick called me after just getting off a fire he couldn’t even understand me I was crying so hard and he couldn’t stop laughing at me and how ridiculous I sounded.
2 / There isn’t a clean spoon–or plastic spoon in your house. This is a true testament to Derick’s diligence to doing dishes. I DISLIKE DOING DISHES A LOT. And when he goes out-of-town we eat a lot on paper plates and such (earth forgive me) so that I have about 50% less dishes to do, when I actually do them. But usually we run out of spoons and so we either use a baby spoon or at last resort I wash one by hand.
3 / You call the sheriff’s department because there has been “suspicious activity” in your neighborhood two nights in a row. I am not a scared-y cat! I promise. But when things get weird, and then they get weirder, and a guy on a scooter is acting weird in front of your house, your blood starts pumping and you just call and have them drive around and you walk your friend to her car with a baseball bat because your outdoor lighting is terrible and it seems more dangerous to take a gun because someone might take it from you.
4 / (This is a two-part reason) You can’t start the lawn mower. You get out your husbands Gerber saw to cut some limbs out of a tree so your husband’s friend can come over with his zero turn mower so you don’t have to push mow and he doesn’t get his head taken off by some limbs. Now…to my defense, I not only texted Derick to see if I was doing something wrong to get it started, but I also texted his friend and neither one came out and said, “Turn over the push mower and see if there is some wet grass caught up in the blade.” Until after he got home, and acted like I was an invalid for not thinking of that myself. (If you are wondering a Gerber saw is like a mans best and bigger friend than the pocket knife. This thing looks like something they would use on Texas Chain Saw Massacre and it folds over and has a very serrated blade. They use it when they go hunting you all!)
5 / You are drying clothes with the “laundry closet” doors open because if you don’t it turns into a steam sauna. It is never a good sign when you are doing laundry like a mad woman and you go back to switch a load and when you open the closet doors…they are wet. Not like damp and dewy…like dripping wet. I started looking up at the ceiling to see if we had a leak, I looked at the washer wondering if it has some how slung water everywhere while the lid was down. Then I looked behind to see if a hose was leaking. Then I saw it. The dryer vent hose had come “partially” away from the wall. (You know I never even thought that steam could amount to that much water?!) I can’t move a dryer though, nor can I move a dryer and re-connect a hose at the same time. And lets just face it, if our friend Trevor had to come over and climb up on that dryer to try to re-attach the hose, I don’t know if my dryer would survive! So I just did all my drying with the doors open till Derick got home and the air was nice and humid. It was lovely.
6 / No one slept with a fan at night for two weeks. When I go back and read that sentence it makes me want to shout, AMEN! However, I did end up in a total out-of-body experience, buy a little fan for Lyla’s room because her’s broke during nap time. (I never said she didn’t sleep with one during nap time. Nap time sleeping is 200% more important that night-time sleeping!)
7 / You have eaten some version of spaghetti or pizza every other day. The truth is, Derick was not cut from the same cloth as most humans. I know there are some people who eat low carb because they are always on a diet or avoiding gluten, but Derick has an aversion to carbs like I have never seen in my life. I have to practically force feed him carbs. I have literally seen him eat bread at dinner out twice the whole time we have been married. And both times is was fresh focaccia at this Italian place we love. So usually the kids and I are doing a happy dance and basically eat bread 24/7 until he gets home. Then we have to go on a bread detox apparently.
8 / Top knots and messy buns are a must. Lyla and I just decided that we were going to wash our hair as little as possible while he was gone. I don’t know if it was just because I was so TIRED or I just didn’t feel like fixing it since I didn’t have anyone to fix it for.
9 / You are cleaning up throw up off the hall floors and bedroom carpet at 3 am while your child is surrounded on your bed by towels. You also use wet wipes and an entire roll of paper towels because you don’t even know where the mop is. (Can you tell I am sooo good at cleaning house?)
10 / You think you are arriving at church a “few minutes” late, and then you get there and you realize somehow you got there almost 30 minutes late. But you don’t even know what time it is, or where that time went.