I have been pretty quiet the past seven or so months and there is a reason for that. See…about three years ago, God laid it on my heart that there were things that I needed to say, but that I needed to do it for HIS glory, under his context. That I needed to say these things that were hard, because other people needed to hear him. He told me that there were women and mothers out there that needed some hope and encouragement. Honestly, at that time he felt LOUD. The things I was writing about at that time, seemed to be coming directly from him, and what he was putting on my heart. These days…especially the days after having Coen, he doesn’t seem as loud, it has felt harder to identify what things are meaningful and things that he wants me to talk about, and other things that I need to stay quiet about. So I have been pretty quiet. Because I felt very UNSURE.
That being said…I feel like I have been too quiet when I look back. I feel like there were a lot of things I needed to say and write, and I didn’t say and write them. So I decided for 2017 that I was going to focus on being in the word more, and what do you know…God felt pretty loud this morning that I needed to share some things with you this week. Most of them are HARD, SANDY, and down right SCARY for me to write about. This season has put me on edge, because I have felt like judgement is lurking behind every corner. But this morning, God reminded me that he sent a son, who would perform miracles, just like the miracles God has performed since he created the earth. And he reminded me that if he sent a son to perform those miracles so that I could believe in him, and trust him, and give my heart to him, and spend eternity with him…then that amazing God is bigger than my fear of judgment and I need to stop being so scared all the time, and just keep turning to his word and trusting him.
2015 was a season of giving myself and my time, to my grandmother and others who needed me to lift them up and care for them. That was a season that left me tired, worn out, but also a season that gave me so many amazing memories, conversation and down right God given moments with a woman who I have adored my whole life but never got a lot of one on one time with. It was a season of trials.
2016 was a season of being surprised, being thrown off by the unexpected, being sick, being tired and not feeling myself the majority of the time. God gave me a pregnancy that was so unlike any of my other pregnancies I was in a constant state of confusion. Then he gave me a beautiful baby boy…
Coen was such a blessing for us. A blessing that I had prayed for, asked God for and tried to wait very patiently for. During my pregnancy after I was so sick…I was just counting down the days to him being here. I could not wait for him to get here so I could just FEEL BETTER. He got here, with a little flair (just a couple wraps and knots of the umbilical cord, no big deal!) and he was perfect. Healthy, beautiful, and so calm and just like I expected him to be. For some reason, the whole time I was pregnant with Coen, I just KNEW that he would be like me. A little shy, a little quiet, but a little fierce all at the same time. Based on the first three weeks, it appeared that I was correct.
Then, when he was four weeks old, I felt like a small earthquake hit, and the world sort of felt like it got turned upside down. And I felt like I didn’t even know who this baby was that I had in my arms. The weeks following, and even the the current hours are a constant surprise! I never know what I am going to need to: deal with, fight with…I never know what kind of Grace God is going to need to give me every day. But if there has been one prayer that I have asked God every day this past seven months, it has been…God give me strength. Coen is hard to describe. But the best way without writing a novel is that most days he wakes up a different kid than he was the day before. The undercurrent of his personality is MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY. I never knew an infant could actually get angry at his parents and hold grudges. Coen does.
I don’t really believe the quote that says “You get what you expect.” Because I fully expected for my third child to be the easiest, the calmest, the most laid back out of my three kids. Boy was I wrong. But here is what I forgot: God gave me the baby that God wanted me to have. If God can perform miracles, I’m sure that he can give a sassy brunette from Southern Missouri a little strength to deal with a tiny human. And he was preparing me…he gave me about 5 years of hard seasons to prepare for this hard season, and I was still surprised! Haha….I wonder why? I think I still have some things to learn.
Back to God and his miracles. I was thinking this morning about Joshua asking God to make the sun stand still…and he did. Then I was reading in John about the first miracles that Jesus performed and about how Jesus told the disciples, “The words I say to you I do not speak on my own authority. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the works themselves. Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.” John 14:10-14
That’s pretty specific, is it not? So this morning, I had a little chat with myself and I reminded myself (again), and God was reminding me…that since I believe, and since he is in me, I need to trust that God gave me the baby I was supposed to have. And if it seems hard, it’s supposed to be that way. He hasn’t left me. He is right here with me. But when things get really sandy, all I need to do is ask in Jesus’ name for God to give me a little more strength to get through the tough stuff. To help me see the purpose in it. To help me see the lesson in it, and then share those lessons with other mamas.
Motherhood with Coen has felt like I’m living on Mars and I don’t know how I got here. Maybe you are experiencing a surprise in your life, and wondering how you got there. The only answer I have for you is, I don’t know why you are there…but I am absolutely certain that God has you right where he wants you. Let’s do his works, and give the glory to him mamas. He prepared us for moments like this!